Waking From a Nightmare

6 02 2012

And so begins week seven of a plant based diet in order to shed some massive weight, reverse some health problems and to be better able to enjoy life. I lost one ounce shy of 6 pounds this week. This brings the total weight loss since sickness and lifestyle change to 42 pounds.

It feels good to finally see the needle move on the scale. Alright, so my scale is digital, but you get the idea. When you are this big, it’s hard to find a scale with a needle. Honestly, when you are this big, it’s hard to do a lot of things. It’s hard to sit comfortably in a Toyota Prius. It’s hard to sit comfortably while wearing a seat belt. It’s just hard to sit comfortably period.

It’s hard to go to the theater or a concert or a sporting event without sitting on the end of an aisle. Otherwise you’re wedged into a seat between two people and you become the total focus of their scorn (and I don’t blame them). Having a 7 year old now, I try to take her with me to as many events as possible. This way I can encroach on her space and not tick off the other person next to me.

Going out to a restaurant when you are this size is no picnic either, especially if its a crowded tiny place with little extra space or a place that only has booths. I’ve backed out of many a gathering for fear of there not being enough room for me to be able to be out of the way. I’m sure most of the times it has come off as anti-social or rude, but it was definitly fear that kept me from going. The whole going out to eat process is a very uncomfortable experience for me, especially if it’s a place I haven’t been to before. Walking in the door, head on a swivel, looking for that seat with enough room around it that the waiters and other patrons will be able to move around me freely. Grabbing that seat before someone else in my party does. Asking the server for that specific table. It’s interesting really now that I think about it. Being so big, I’ve spent so much time just trying to get out of the way all the while allowing my out of control eating to grow me bigger and bigger.

Plastic lawn furniture…also not a good choice for sitting in when you are this size. I’ve shredded plastic chairs, broken lounge chairs and bent folding chairs beyond repair. I am a destroyer of cheap furniture . I’ve destroyed old wooden chairs, even crippled a “big guy” leather office chair that we bought especially for our home. I don’t think it lasted 6 months and it cost a small fortune. The armrests and back of it no longer useable. Now it has been reduced to an armless, backless hybrid that is so uncomfortable that any real length of time sitting on it will leave you nearly in traction.

Why would anyone want to live this way? This is the recipe for unhappiness! It has distanced me from life and forced me to live apart from so many things that make me happy. For a long time now, I’ve felt disconnected and it totally sucks. Funny how when you are in the midst of it though, you don’t realize the extent of the problem. On the inside I generally feel like I’m my 18 year old self. When I look in the mirror though, I wonder “who the hell is that?”.

I’ve been hiding in my food for so long. Using it to build a wall around me. Hoping that no one will see my fear, anger, pain and insecurity. Hoping no one will put it together that once a week I’m hitting the pizzeria and having four giant NY style slices. When really it is all as plain as day. I’ve been a walking billboard that says “this guy has major issues that he is not attending to”. Food was/is the emotional “go to” for me. Whatever temporary relief it provided was followed by a descent into deeper despair.

I’m sick of living this way. It’s so completely limiting. No more pink elephant in the room. I want to live. Really live. I want to be able to do things that normal sized people do. I want to sit at a booth in a diner again. I want to sit in plastic lawn furniture and have it support me. I want to sit in a sub compact and not feel like the steering column is pressed into my chest and gut. I want to feel light. I want to be free.

There is no going back now. That wasn’t living. I’ll never get that time back. It was wasted (except in the fact of the lesson that was to be learned).

I’m well on my way now. Nothing can stop me. I’ve finally woken up from the nightmare.

“All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible.” – T. E. Lawrence, The Seven Pillars of Wisdom



6 responses

6 02 2012

I got goosebumps reading that post. Bravo! Here’s to a beautiful new future in store for you.

6 02 2012

Thank you. Writing the really personal ones are not so much fun. But in order for me to convey what it has really been like, I guess it’s necessary. It’s a self-motivator too because I realize I don’t want to go back to that.

“Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone”.

6 02 2012

Good Luck on your continued journey to health! you are an inspiration to those of us that are on the same journey. Blessings!

6 02 2012

Lisa, thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate you taking time to stop by. We are fortunate to have others on this journey with us. I am thankful for those who have gone before me and have lit the way. I wish you well!!

8 02 2012

Great post, man. I’m rooting for you!

8 02 2012

Thanks so much Justin. It means a lot!

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