The Fear of Being Small

24 03 2012

It’s weird, I don’t know who I am anymore. I look in the mirror and I don’t fully recognize the person looking back at me. 13 weeks in and 56 pounds down and people are starting to really notice. And so am I. And I hate to say it but I don’t always like it. I find myself missing the way the old me looked. I don’t miss being tired, worn out and sluggish. I do miss being that giant guy sometimes. I’m sure it sounds ridiculous. Its probably nothing a bunch of therapy can’t fix. I’m just not looking so forward to being “small” one day. I have a lot more energy now, I feel freer and a little less self-conscious about my size. Hopefully I’m extending my life and I’m definitely improving the quality of it. But there was something about being big that was nice. It felt safe. I never had to be anything but peaceful because no one screws with a guy that big. And as that weight comes off, I’m left with a lot of mental debris that I need to sift through and make sense of. Things I didn’t know I was still dealing with, things that I’ve never realized that I’ve been struggling with. There is a vulnerability in getting smaller. And honestly, I don’t like it one bit. There was a vulnerability in being so big too, but I felt strong at least. As the pounds fall off, I can’t help but feel like I’m losing myself. But I also know that the real me will shine through more and more as the journey goes on. I’m feeling physically good but emotionally conflicted for some reason. It’s strange, these are the things I never contemplated when I decided I was really going to lose the weight. I look back at the before picture and I miss that guy.


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6 responses

24 03 2012
asd539

I know exactly what you are going through, I lost 242. It was the most hard thing I ever did, not losing the weight, but dealing with myself. You will find inner demons and learn things you never knew about yourself. You said the perfect thing though, you said you feel freer and less self-conscience. So proud of how far you have come, my first goal was to lose just 50 pounds to get me to 399. I wanted to be under 400, but as I saw the pounds come off I decided to go for the whole thing. Keep doing it.

24 03 2012
johnnygee77

Yes, this is exactly what I was saying to someone yesterday. Losing the weight is the easier part. It’s dealing with all of the things that I was trying to cover with the food that will be the difficult part.

So how did you lose your weight? What a tremendous accomplishment!!

25 03 2012
asd539

Changed what I was eating and started doing some exercise. Slowly and step by step. Had a nurse that has become a sister to me that pretty much helped me figure it all out. Having support is the biggest thing.

24 03 2012
KingoftheThorns

I think I understand a little of your mindset. I’ve been rebuilding my life for a while now and I routinely find that aspects of my old self are comforting if only for the familiarity. I can’t imagine the differences you’re facing with a literal shrinkage.

I hope you find some peace with yourself, my friend. Best wishes and good luck to you.

24 03 2012
johnnygee77

Thank so much! I appreciate your words!

25 03 2012
for a better me now

A wonderful post. I havent even thought of it that way. I just notice small changes so far. But I lost a lot of weight before and the reason I failed was just because of this, though I didnt know it before you wrote it.
I packed on the lost weight as “security”.
Maybe you just get so used to your fatter self that after all the changes you have done, this is just the tipping point?
Anyway. thank you for the insight. And best of luck! You are very inspirational.

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